Lords Hill by Maggie Miller

Author:Maggie Miller [Miller, Maggie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781490852829
Publisher: WestBow Press
Published: 2014-09-29T04:00:00+00:00

Losing Heart and Drowning in Shame

By the time we were four or five, one of Aunt Charlotte’s family members started encouraging us to smoke and drink alcohol. When I was twelve years old, I was smoking and drinking on a regular basis. I make no excuses for myself today, but back in the early stages of my life, things always moved fast, and lessons I learned were hard at best. In truth, I was acting like the animals in the only jungle I had ever known.

I am not proud of the mistakes I made during my teenage and young adult years. Every day that I live the reality of where I’ve been and what I’ve done is only a thought away. These memories serve to keep me humble, lest I get a big ego and full of pride, and forget where I’ve been. It is my prayer that others will be able to see; it doesn’t matter lost and far down any human being can go. There’s hope. I’ve lost track of the number of times God has stepped in and literally saved my life.

Years ago, I was filled with feelings of anger, abandonment and rejection. I had an attitude of “Bring it on! Try me on for size,” even with God. My life growing up fostered these feelings and attitude. The good news is, through those dark days, I have come to realize, God is full of mercy and grace. And the difference is this: Mercy withholds from us what we deserve, and Grace gives us what we don’t deserve.

At thirteen I started stealing alcohol from Aunt Charlotte’s cellar and money from her purse. I took full advantage of her being drunk and not paying attention. I had learned how to work her, like she’d worked me. Nana was getting older, tired and sicker than I realized. I started to fight as well, when it came to controlling me. I was getting older and our positions were changing. I seized every moment that I triumphantly hold my ground.

In my opinion, the perception a lot of adults, professionals, and some “godly people” have about children and young adults who turn to stealing, is baloney! People often think they steal because they’re thieves or some kind of bad seed that will never bear good fruit. I can’t speak for the rest of the world, but I was not destined to be a thief, nor did I enjoy stealing. I was as nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof when I was doing it. I knew if I got caught, I was dead on the spot. Nana and Aunt Charlotte had their shortcomings, to be sure, but stealing was not one of them.

I believe stealing, just like any other little nasty habits, quirks, addictions, or codependency issues. It is part of the fallout that comes with an abusive and traumatic childhood. Stealing as a child and teenager was nothing more and nothing less than something I did for a feeling of satisfaction, restitution, and control.

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